Past Confessions...

It has been some time since I last posted anything. And I have this feeling of regret for never posting something. Today I read a woman's blog which tells all about her "deep dark secrets" and I guess it touched me to know that someone is brave and strong enough to tell the world about herself. I realized that I am one of those girls to whom she was speaking. There have been times when I have fallen away from God, but more in the sense of disappointing him rather than actually turning away. I don't know if I am ready to touch on my past failings..and who knows..maybe I'll never be able to tell the world about it. All I know is that for now..Cole and God are the only ones who know my heart and what I have put myself through.
Sometimes I wonder where I would be if my past was not what it is. Would I have called on God in desperation for someone who actually loves me rather than someone who used me? Would I have lied to myself about actually loving the person I used, that he would love me back if I did anything he wanted? Well...I suppose I would not be who I am today if not for the things I had done. I loved someone who was not worthy of my love, who was not worthy of me. But, through prayer and stretched thin patience...my Father brought a young man into my life and planted the seed of true love without my knowledge. It's funny to think that that seed was planted when I first started working at Camp Arnes in the kitchen. If I had not gotten a job there, I would never have become friends with the Wear family and I would never have become best friends with Cole Wear. :) All because of that summer, August 2009, I came to know Cole and to slowly fall in love..again, without my knowledge. However, Cole was falling in love with me faster than I ever thought. All the while I was struggling with the so-called love I had for someone else, the one who teared my heart apart, whether he knew it or not. If not for that guy, I would not have learned how to love truely and fully. I have a sneaking suspicion that I would never have learned to love Cole how I do now. Even though it took me some years to be rid of the guy who tore me apart and used me, after he thoroughly apologized for what he had done to me, and how he realized he had only used me when he really loved someone else; only then was I able to feel a release from the chains that seemed to have been bound around my heart. Summer of 2010, before that guy apologized, I had already begun to feel the chains slipping. I was working at Camp Arnes still, in the kitchen; Cole was working at the pool in Arborg, but he came to lifeguard at camp some days. When he came, subconsciously, I would search for him, I would search for that smile that captivated me. At this time, Cole was completely in love with me and I had no idea. Becuase Cole is 6'7", he was never hard to find, and every time I spotted his head above everyone else, I immediatly began to smile. Some how, that summer, God helped my love for him grow and all the while, I was unaware! (sneaky God! :p ) During that summer, I had lost a friendship with one of my guy friends that I had been basically a sister to for 3 years. Cole had no idea, but yet he could see my distress and did what he could to comfort me. Already Cole was looking after me and caring for me!
By the end of the summer, my friendship with Cole had blossomed into something wonderful! And, before my grade 12 year of highschool, the guy I told you about, decided to cut things off completely and to apologize for everything and confess his love for someone else. It's funny cuz all during August, he was the one I spent my weekends with, being sexual and rebelious, and every Sunday we would see each other at church and act as if nothing was going on between us. But after he cut things off completely, I immediatly thought of Cole and confided in him for comfort, and being the wonderful person he is, he listened to my pain and gently redirected my mind to that positive side of things. That same day I asked Cole if we could hang out..and the quick response was a "YES", exactly like that too..I would just hear the excitement in that text. That same weekend we went and spent close to 5 hours together and had the most fun I have had in years. I will never forget it. The next weekend and the one after that we spent time together, texted non-stop and were excited every time we worked together. Quickly my love for him grew into something I would feel making my heart beat. On October 12, 2011, we had spent the evening at my house, and that evening Cole asked my Dad if he could date me, be in a relationship with me. My Dad gave us some questions to think over on our own..and that next weekend, October 17, 2011, my family went to Cole's house for dinner with his family. While Cole, his siblings, my younger sister, and I were outside, our parents talked about the idea of us dating. And on the drive home that night, my parents informed me that we were allowed to start a relationship.
Now, almost 2 years later, Cole and I are as happy as ever and we still count each month that we have been together and fall in love more and more each day. Cole has been my comfort, my patience and my knight in shining armor on so many occasions! He knows everything about me, every detail about my past "thing" with that guy. He knows who I am completely and loves every bit of my no matter what. What more could I ever ask for?!
God has been amazing, answering many prayers of guidance and happiness..some took more time than others, some took pain before it could be answered, but no matter what, he answered my calls.

love janie