Past Confessions...

It has been some time since I last posted anything. And I have this feeling of regret for never posting something. Today I read a woman's blog which tells all about her "deep dark secrets" and I guess it touched me to know that someone is brave and strong enough to tell the world about herself. I realized that I am one of those girls to whom she was speaking. There have been times when I have fallen away from God, but more in the sense of disappointing him rather than actually turning away. I don't know if I am ready to touch on my past failings..and who knows..maybe I'll never be able to tell the world about it. All I know is that for now..Cole and God are the only ones who know my heart and what I have put myself through.
Sometimes I wonder where I would be if my past was not what it is. Would I have called on God in desperation for someone who actually loves me rather than someone who used me? Would I have lied to myself about actually loving the person I used, that he would love me back if I did anything he wanted? Well...I suppose I would not be who I am today if not for the things I had done. I loved someone who was not worthy of my love, who was not worthy of me. But, through prayer and stretched thin patience...my Father brought a young man into my life and planted the seed of true love without my knowledge. It's funny to think that that seed was planted when I first started working at Camp Arnes in the kitchen. If I had not gotten a job there, I would never have become friends with the Wear family and I would never have become best friends with Cole Wear. :) All because of that summer, August 2009, I came to know Cole and to slowly fall in love..again, without my knowledge. However, Cole was falling in love with me faster than I ever thought. All the while I was struggling with the so-called love I had for someone else, the one who teared my heart apart, whether he knew it or not. If not for that guy, I would not have learned how to love truely and fully. I have a sneaking suspicion that I would never have learned to love Cole how I do now. Even though it took me some years to be rid of the guy who tore me apart and used me, after he thoroughly apologized for what he had done to me, and how he realized he had only used me when he really loved someone else; only then was I able to feel a release from the chains that seemed to have been bound around my heart. Summer of 2010, before that guy apologized, I had already begun to feel the chains slipping. I was working at Camp Arnes still, in the kitchen; Cole was working at the pool in Arborg, but he came to lifeguard at camp some days. When he came, subconsciously, I would search for him, I would search for that smile that captivated me. At this time, Cole was completely in love with me and I had no idea. Becuase Cole is 6'7", he was never hard to find, and every time I spotted his head above everyone else, I immediatly began to smile. Some how, that summer, God helped my love for him grow and all the while, I was unaware! (sneaky God! :p ) During that summer, I had lost a friendship with one of my guy friends that I had been basically a sister to for 3 years. Cole had no idea, but yet he could see my distress and did what he could to comfort me. Already Cole was looking after me and caring for me!
By the end of the summer, my friendship with Cole had blossomed into something wonderful! And, before my grade 12 year of highschool, the guy I told you about, decided to cut things off completely and to apologize for everything and confess his love for someone else. It's funny cuz all during August, he was the one I spent my weekends with, being sexual and rebelious, and every Sunday we would see each other at church and act as if nothing was going on between us. But after he cut things off completely, I immediatly thought of Cole and confided in him for comfort, and being the wonderful person he is, he listened to my pain and gently redirected my mind to that positive side of things. That same day I asked Cole if we could hang out..and the quick response was a "YES", exactly like that too..I would just hear the excitement in that text. That same weekend we went and spent close to 5 hours together and had the most fun I have had in years. I will never forget it. The next weekend and the one after that we spent time together, texted non-stop and were excited every time we worked together. Quickly my love for him grew into something I would feel making my heart beat. On October 12, 2011, we had spent the evening at my house, and that evening Cole asked my Dad if he could date me, be in a relationship with me. My Dad gave us some questions to think over on our own..and that next weekend, October 17, 2011, my family went to Cole's house for dinner with his family. While Cole, his siblings, my younger sister, and I were outside, our parents talked about the idea of us dating. And on the drive home that night, my parents informed me that we were allowed to start a relationship.
Now, almost 2 years later, Cole and I are as happy as ever and we still count each month that we have been together and fall in love more and more each day. Cole has been my comfort, my patience and my knight in shining armor on so many occasions! He knows everything about me, every detail about my past "thing" with that guy. He knows who I am completely and loves every bit of my no matter what. What more could I ever ask for?!
God has been amazing, answering many prayers of guidance and happiness..some took more time than others, some took pain before it could be answered, but no matter what, he answered my calls.

love janie

Anything but not everything...

Well..today is my last full day at home. its been a blast, and time has flown by. but..i want to get back to school, and working on my future career. i also want to get back to having time with Cole and working on making our relationship better and closer in Christ.
i pray every day that i make it as a psychologist and that Cole and i will be able to support ourselves, especially when we get married. i pray that i will be able to get a little house to myself so i don't have to worry about not knowing where i will live each school year. i also pray that i will stop stressing and worrying about everything. it always makes my anxiety pick up and makes the stress and worry worse.
i don't want to leave home, but i do at the same time. i want to get back to school..i haven't been in school for a month! its a long time. and i'm getting bored of sitting around and doing nothing all the time except for watching TV series on my laptop. but i will say that i have enjoyed being home a lot. even if i had my wisdom teeth removed and i am still recovering, but i am almost better! having my teeth out has dampened my stay a little bit but i did still have a great time. i just hope that my mouth wont give be any problems now and that i wont have any more surgeries for a long time!
Anyways,

love janie

I am Home!

Well...i got home on Tuesday, and today it is Friday. So i have been home for 3 days now! I am so happy, but if Cole was here then everything was perfect. :) I cannot wait to have lunch and spend time with Christy today...its going to be so nice to catch up with her. and on the 24th i am going to the Wear's house to spend Christmas Eve with his family, and it will be so fun to spend time with Cole's family. and then Christmas day with the entire family, including Jeff. and then on the 26th we head out to Kenora and pick up Cole on the way. We have Christmas with my mom's side of the family..with everyone! Its going to be so fun, especially with Cole and Jeff coming with us. And its going to be interesting finding enough space for all of us to sleep. But its kind of been figured out.
Anywho..its going to be a busy Christmas. Oh and i am spending time with Linda next week at some point, and i also get my wisdom teeth pulled on the 28th.

love janie

Home..

To all those who are following my posts...
I am going home in 8 days!! :) i am so excited..and scared to go on a plane for the first time! Although, i will have Cole beside me and God in my heart..keeping me safe and calm. I have a giant suit case with some clothes, presents and winter stuff! i hope it wont cost too much to put as an extra baggage..but i dont even know how it all works. :p i'm so new at this. Cole will have to help me out the whole time. i cannot wait any longer! i just want to do my exams and fly away home! hahah thats a movie! :p anywho...8 days til i come home...i am happy.

love janie

Father's healing fingures...

Well hello there, so it has been about 6 days since i got my tonsils removed and, although it's been a painful process, i am finally waking up with little pain in my throat. :) and thanks to God, i am going through the day with little pain in swallowing and chewing and eating. i am so thankful that everything is going so well...at least it feels like it's going well to me. however, i am not getting used to eating and drinking cold things, and having to eat soft or liquid foods. not fun at all. plus it's so cold outside and i can't have coffee to warm me up! yikes! well, i'm not craving ice cream any more! ha ha...i miss hot food and drinks! and solid food. but, soon i will get to eat and drink anything i want because Friday is the 10th day of healing, which is the average amount of days it takes to heal, and on Monday the 28th, i go for my follow up appointment and get my throat checked for complete healing! and if all is well and i can eat anything i want, then Cole is taking me out to dinner! :) that makes me sooooooooooooo excited and happy!
anyways...
love janie

Tonsilectomy..

Well, yesterday i got my tonsils removed! Wooo! it was pretty interesting. first, we were told i was late, but turns out i was put into surgery late! so, at 8:30 we get in there, i put on my giant hospital gown, then i got my IV in! yikes! i did not like that at all. me and mom were being so loud too though! just laughing and talking. then around 10:50 a nurse came and rolled me down to the operating room. and asked me if iv ever gotten surgery before, then another nurse came out, and they were both calling me a surgery virgin! so funny! then the anesthetic doctor came in wondering what we were all laughing at and so the ladies tell him about me being a virgin. then i get oxygen and the anesthetic and my body starts going numb from the toes up..and i'm out! when i wake up i have 2 nurses over me asking if im awake and i just nod my head. the next thing i noticed was that i could breathe through my nose! i was sooooo happy! then i noticed how much my throat hurt. so when the nurse asked me to rate the pain i had to say 8, and a new nurse came and gave me a pain reliever. then after becoming stabilized, i was rolled back to the area i was in before i went into surgery. and from there every hour i got my blood pressure done and id be sleeping half the time. a nurse would come and ask mom if i was awake or not. i was there til 5:00. i had to have help to get up and pee once. and before i was going home, i felt really nauseous, and so the nurse who had been looking after me, put some gravol through my IV. i got a wheel chair ride down to the lobby and Ron came and drove us home. we were barely driving when i threw up. after that i felt better. and i ate yogurt, pudding, and ice cream for supper last night cuz i was so hungry from not eating all day. and lots of water. and now, iv been sitting at home all day, mom and i worked on my art project and went to Safeway for more food. and my Demerol medication makes me dizzy and nauseous when my T3s only make me drowsy.
Anywho...
love janie

Life is Spectacular...

So, the past little bit has been quite interesting. I got 40% on my intro to psych exam...:S but 55% on my math exam! :) and also work has been going well.
The one thing i want to focus on is...getting my tonsils removed! YAY! i am so excited for that because i will have no more annoying sore throat and i will not get sick as often! I am so glad i'm getting this done! it will be painful for the first couple days of the healing but it will be worth it! i just have to follow the instructions for what to eat and what not to eat...it will be interesting. and i don't have to stay over night at the hospital either..so that good! i just have to get a physical and blood work done the day before..ish. and i have to be at the hospital two hours before the scheduled surgery. oh, the surgery is on November 15th at 10:00 am, but i have to be there at 8:00am for the prep and such. :)
anywho, class time.

love janie