Painting...

Hello all!
So I have begun to paint again and it's been a long time since I did so. I bought canvas a while ago but my paints and brushes have been at Cole's house for the past 2 months so every time I've had the urge to paint, well my paints weren't here. Finally, after quite some time, I remembered to bring home my paints and brushes, put my easel together, and mixed up some colors. Well, so far so good! My hands have been covered in paint but thankfully it's all easy to wash off, gotta love acrylic paints. Right now I'm working on a painting with Lady Slipper flowers on it. :) I must say, it's one of my best! And that's saying something, considering I'm not all that good. I hope to finish it all before Christmas, for sure. Or before I leave to go home for Christmas, at the earliest. Wouldn't a painting make a great Christmas gift for my friend Marsha? I think so! I just hope she'll love it.
Well..time to watch some LOST!

love janie

I'm baaaaaaack....

Hello followers,
I know it has been quite some time..again. I seem to forget about my blog when I'm busy at school. Well, I have been struggling with school this year..and when I say struggling, I mean that it's eating me alive. I never thought I would have this much trouble with school, and with a program I was so pumped for. Now I just feel like God is making me fail so I will change my direction of schooling. Its very discouraging to study for hours, feel so prepared, write the exam, feel good about how I did, then find out 3 weeks later that all my efforts still managed to land me a failing mark. Out of the 8 midterms that I had, I have only passed 1..and I have yet to find out about one more. So..as you can see, I have become confused, frustrated, angry, sad, and left feeling hopeless. People keep saying to "try harder", and "keep trying", "maybe your not studying enough", "maybe this isn't the program for you"when all I want to say is...please stop talking! I have tried my hardest and I have studied for hours and maybe this isn't the program for me but that doesn't give an reason why I'm failing when I've tried so hard to succeed! Maybe God is failing me to show me that psychology isn't for me, maybe He's trying to tell me that I need to try harder, maybe He's trying to tell me that I'm not ready for this..it's just a whole bunch of maybe's and I have no idea which one is right. I have prayed over and over again, before, during and after writing exams.
I have looked into a different career choice, Hospital Ward clerk/Secretary..which seems to be quite a good job. I get to learn medical terminology, how to re-write doctor's notes and file things, and also how to check patients in and out. It would be fun to learn and a fun/interesting area to work in. Maybe this is what God wants.
Prayers much needed, please.

love janie

Babies..

So, my boyfriend's sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy on July 5th at around 7:15pm. His name is Landon. It felt so amazing to hold his tiny little day old body in my arms. It also made me long for the day I have my first baby. Now..early this morning my cousin's wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl; her name is Avery. Hearing this news just made me long even more for the day I am pregnant with my first child, and my second, and my third, and maybe a fourth! But I think I am more looking forward to having Cole by my side while I struggle through the hormones and emotional strain of pregnancy. And I cannot wait to have him by my side helping me through the labour then his excitement when the doctor says I can push this little being out of me. I reeeeeeaaaaaaalllllyyyyy cannot wait to see the love and happiness on Cole's face when he's holding that tiny little baby. The adoration and pride when he looks at me after that baby is born will most likely bring me to tears. Although I will be so exhausted and emotionally strained from the painful labour that I probably would cry in an instant. I'll be an emotional reck when I give birth! But..all the pain and stress on my body will be completely and totally worth it. Who wouldn't give anything to have God place a child inside them and watch as their stomach grew bigger and bigger as God made this tiny little being develope into a baby? Who wouldn't feel complete joy that they get to bring life into the world and feel the honor and excitement of the journey ahead? Well..I know that I cannot wait until that journey, especially with God on one side and Cole on the other. Both right beside me, helping me along the way. It will be amazing!

love janie

Surprises...

Hello!
My youngest sister, Kirstie, graduated on June 22, 2012..which was a Friday. And on that amazing day, during the busy hour of makeup and dressing..my wonderful, handsome man, Cole, comes to my parent's house to surprise me. Little did I know he was there until my Mom so descretely calls me away from the bathroom to "help her with something" only to come into the kitchen to see that wonderul, handsome mad standing there with the most amazing smile on his gorgeous face. Without even thinking I screamed and ran into his waiting arms..not even caring that my butt might be hanging out of my dress. I could feel his shaking from pure happiness as he held me against him. I forgot to mention that everyone in my family knew he was coming, for almost 2 weeks! and only 10 minutes prior to this surprise, my Dad was asking me if I knew if Cole would be coming out to visit his family before school started. Hahahahah sneaky family. And I am still so astonished that I got to hug, kiss, cuddle, smile, laugh, and cry with Cole during the few days I had with him. By the way..all the crying was done by me, all the antisipation of him leaving again made me so emotion the day before he had to bus back to Thunder Bay.
On Friday night, Cole and I had driven back to his parent's place to stay the night and to see his Dad before we headed to Kenora on Saturday afternoon. We got to spend a lovely 3hours in my new car on the drive to Kenora. We got to spend some time here at my Grandparent's house. And I'm guessing that while I was busy at some point in the day..he was able to secretly hide little notes in my day planner, in my pillow case, on my mirror and just on my bed. He also smothered the sweater I have of his in his deoderant so I can smell him aaaaaaaaallll night while I cuddled with it. All the notes and smells of him help me to hold on to the reality that he was actually here, that he actually came and surprised me. Even now that I think about it, the moment I came into the kitchen turned into a blur after I screamed and jumped into his open arms. :)
I am the luckiest girl alive.

love janie

Lost..

So..I know many people have watched the show LOST, well..I just started. And it is, in a sense, addicting! It's addicting because you want to know when these people will be rescued, when one of the monsters will come and get them, what everyone is thinking each day that they aren't rescued and what are all the secrets of each person's life before the plane crash. Well..as I watch this, I notice that while I am so interest in what everyone has done in the past or what brought them to be on this plane..I think about how glad I am that I wasn't on that plane! I think about what I would do if I was one of those people. Well..I believe that I would be freaking out! Then I would be crying out to God to save me, or at least help me to calm down. And somewhere in the back of my mind I would be wishing I was one of the many people who did not survive the crash. Especially because living on a dangerous, creepy, unknown island would make me think of how wonderful Heaven would be at this very moment; how much better it would be. But, because I had survived, I would focus my energy on surviving and building my relationship with God. I would do what I could to be supportive and helpful but also in some way help bring pease to those through God. Another significant thought, no matter how lost I would be to the rest of the world, I would never be lost to God. He would know exactly where I was. :)
But, the more I watch this show, I realize in a way..I am lost. I realize that there are times in my walk with Christ that I feel completely confused and lost. I don't know what to do or how to act; what my choices are or what it is that God wants me to do. I feel lost because I can't hear God, I don't get signs from Him for what I should be doing! Especially when it comes to what path I should choose in my future career..do I go on to get a Masters degree in Psych or do I go on to become a guidance counsiler..well..I have no idea! Although, I do trust and know that it some way, God will help me with my choices, whether making me fail an exam or pass one. Or giving me words of widsom for an important essay or soemthing; in one way or another, He will help me through my lost moments and give me understanding. If I gambler, I would bet my life that God will help me through anything. And because I know God loves me, even with all my baggage; He will bring me on His path that He has made for me. I will never be lost with my Father by my side.

love janie

School..

The other day I received an email from the University's registrar saying that class registry is now open for students to register for the coming year. Once I read that email, I went and started figuring out my requirements and how many credits I have yet to get. My school has an online profile thing for each student, and on there they have a lot of links for knowing your marks, your profile, transcript and degree audit and such. I went to check out my degree audit, which tells you your GPA, credit scores and the like. It also tells you the average for your programs required courses. So..out of the Psych courses, I recieved a 60% average and the requirement for the program was to get a 60% or higher..well I just barely made it! After a year of stress and confusion..I still managed to land my average.
This next year, I will be working towards meeting more requirements and getting the right amount of credits that I need. I have already starting figuring out what certain courses I should be looking for and whether I will want more full year courses or just one semester courses. The stress-fest has begun! This summer is going to be a time of prayer and hard work; emailing people at the school and getting on the right track to get a higher program average. Also I have to work towards picking up the lost one lost credit from last year, so I have to work on getting 6 or more credits next year to keep up. Next year is going to be a full one with all the courses I will need to take, homework, and work-work that I will be doing. Also the occational date night or relax time with Cole of course. Or time spent with my Auntie Debbie and Ron or at church. I'm going to be relying on my Father a lot for this coming year to go well. And for me to do better with doing my studies and preparation for exams and such. Pray, pray, pray!

Love janie

In a Far Away Land..

The past year in Thunder Bay with Cole has been amazing. We made new friends..well more like Cole made new friends then I just tagged along until I became friends too. But I wouldn't change my time there ever. It was amazing, eventful, meaningful; I learned a lot, made mistakes..and through it all, Cole was there by my side. He never once gave up on me, nor I on him. We kept each other strong, faithful, peaseful and feeling loved.
Now its been a month and a half since school finished for the year..and its been a month and a half since I last saw Cole, felt him, smelled him, and heard his voice. Well, that's if you don't include skype or phone calls, but we've only had a few times of those. Cole started working for a forestry company, called Sumac, on May 1st. He's done training for 5 days, then out in the bush for 5 days with weekends off. On May 28th, he started his first set of 10days in the bush with 4 days off. I've been counting down the days..and it does not help pass the time or make me miss him less. Only 2 more days until he gets back home, 2 more days until I get to see his amazing smile of skype and probably cry because I miss him so much.
Sometimes I think about what I will do the next time I see him, and I mean for real..not just on skype. Will I stand frozen, wondering if it's really him? Or will I scream and run to him, with his arms scooping me up into a big hug? Will I kiss him until I can't breathe? I think I would prolly do all of these things, in some kind of order. I would probably freeze, realize it's actually him, scream then run into his arms and kiss him until I cannot breathe or until our lips hurt! There would probably be some crying somewhere in there. Then I would smile until my face hurt and never let his hand go. I'd make him take me to the bathroom just so I wouldn't have to take my hand from his.
Why does love make someone feel so many emotions at once? It's astounding to think that while I may be annoyed at Cole for something, I'd be thinking about how handsome he is or how I love how warm and smooth his skin is. Or I'd be crying one moment because I hurt myself, or something bad happened..but as soon as Cole even hints at a smile, I cannot help but smile with him..and then I'm instantly happy. He is contagious in so many ways..from his mesmerizing smile to his comforting touch. Love is an amazing thing; God is one spectacular being for bringing such a thing into the world. Through Him, the Holy Spirit, through Jesus, and the love of your boyfriend or husband. It's unfathomable!

love janie

Past Confessions...

It has been some time since I last posted anything. And I have this feeling of regret for never posting something. Today I read a woman's blog which tells all about her "deep dark secrets" and I guess it touched me to know that someone is brave and strong enough to tell the world about herself. I realized that I am one of those girls to whom she was speaking. There have been times when I have fallen away from God, but more in the sense of disappointing him rather than actually turning away. I don't know if I am ready to touch on my past failings..and who knows..maybe I'll never be able to tell the world about it. All I know is that for now..Cole and God are the only ones who know my heart and what I have put myself through.
Sometimes I wonder where I would be if my past was not what it is. Would I have called on God in desperation for someone who actually loves me rather than someone who used me? Would I have lied to myself about actually loving the person I used, that he would love me back if I did anything he wanted? Well...I suppose I would not be who I am today if not for the things I had done. I loved someone who was not worthy of my love, who was not worthy of me. But, through prayer and stretched thin patience...my Father brought a young man into my life and planted the seed of true love without my knowledge. It's funny to think that that seed was planted when I first started working at Camp Arnes in the kitchen. If I had not gotten a job there, I would never have become friends with the Wear family and I would never have become best friends with Cole Wear. :) All because of that summer, August 2009, I came to know Cole and to slowly fall in love..again, without my knowledge. However, Cole was falling in love with me faster than I ever thought. All the while I was struggling with the so-called love I had for someone else, the one who teared my heart apart, whether he knew it or not. If not for that guy, I would not have learned how to love truely and fully. I have a sneaking suspicion that I would never have learned to love Cole how I do now. Even though it took me some years to be rid of the guy who tore me apart and used me, after he thoroughly apologized for what he had done to me, and how he realized he had only used me when he really loved someone else; only then was I able to feel a release from the chains that seemed to have been bound around my heart. Summer of 2010, before that guy apologized, I had already begun to feel the chains slipping. I was working at Camp Arnes still, in the kitchen; Cole was working at the pool in Arborg, but he came to lifeguard at camp some days. When he came, subconsciously, I would search for him, I would search for that smile that captivated me. At this time, Cole was completely in love with me and I had no idea. Becuase Cole is 6'7", he was never hard to find, and every time I spotted his head above everyone else, I immediatly began to smile. Some how, that summer, God helped my love for him grow and all the while, I was unaware! (sneaky God! :p ) During that summer, I had lost a friendship with one of my guy friends that I had been basically a sister to for 3 years. Cole had no idea, but yet he could see my distress and did what he could to comfort me. Already Cole was looking after me and caring for me!
By the end of the summer, my friendship with Cole had blossomed into something wonderful! And, before my grade 12 year of highschool, the guy I told you about, decided to cut things off completely and to apologize for everything and confess his love for someone else. It's funny cuz all during August, he was the one I spent my weekends with, being sexual and rebelious, and every Sunday we would see each other at church and act as if nothing was going on between us. But after he cut things off completely, I immediatly thought of Cole and confided in him for comfort, and being the wonderful person he is, he listened to my pain and gently redirected my mind to that positive side of things. That same day I asked Cole if we could hang out..and the quick response was a "YES", exactly like that too..I would just hear the excitement in that text. That same weekend we went and spent close to 5 hours together and had the most fun I have had in years. I will never forget it. The next weekend and the one after that we spent time together, texted non-stop and were excited every time we worked together. Quickly my love for him grew into something I would feel making my heart beat. On October 12, 2011, we had spent the evening at my house, and that evening Cole asked my Dad if he could date me, be in a relationship with me. My Dad gave us some questions to think over on our own..and that next weekend, October 17, 2011, my family went to Cole's house for dinner with his family. While Cole, his siblings, my younger sister, and I were outside, our parents talked about the idea of us dating. And on the drive home that night, my parents informed me that we were allowed to start a relationship.
Now, almost 2 years later, Cole and I are as happy as ever and we still count each month that we have been together and fall in love more and more each day. Cole has been my comfort, my patience and my knight in shining armor on so many occasions! He knows everything about me, every detail about my past "thing" with that guy. He knows who I am completely and loves every bit of my no matter what. What more could I ever ask for?!
God has been amazing, answering many prayers of guidance and happiness..some took more time than others, some took pain before it could be answered, but no matter what, he answered my calls.

love janie

Anything but not everything...

Well..today is my last full day at home. its been a blast, and time has flown by. but..i want to get back to school, and working on my future career. i also want to get back to having time with Cole and working on making our relationship better and closer in Christ.
i pray every day that i make it as a psychologist and that Cole and i will be able to support ourselves, especially when we get married. i pray that i will be able to get a little house to myself so i don't have to worry about not knowing where i will live each school year. i also pray that i will stop stressing and worrying about everything. it always makes my anxiety pick up and makes the stress and worry worse.
i don't want to leave home, but i do at the same time. i want to get back to school..i haven't been in school for a month! its a long time. and i'm getting bored of sitting around and doing nothing all the time except for watching TV series on my laptop. but i will say that i have enjoyed being home a lot. even if i had my wisdom teeth removed and i am still recovering, but i am almost better! having my teeth out has dampened my stay a little bit but i did still have a great time. i just hope that my mouth wont give be any problems now and that i wont have any more surgeries for a long time!
Anyways,

love janie